Thursday, August 13, 2009

Oh The Adventures of Childbirth Classes..

In yet another attempt to shorten this whole childbirth process we elected to take the one day, 3 hour express-version child birth class offered by my doctor's office rather than sit through 12 weeks of nightly torture. I mean, people have been doing this kid-having thing for thousands of years and I seriously doubt they had child prep classes when they hadn't yet invented fire. And, honestly, I don't want to watch that scary video of some strange lady giving birth when obviously it's too late for me to do anything about it now. I should have watched that video 10 months ago and we never would have been in this situation in the first place. I mean, come on, let's not drag this thing out. Tell me what I need to know, promise me this will be over soon, reassure about how badly its going to hurt, but promise me this will be over soon - and then send me on my way - don't prolong the experience any longer than need be.
So, I go into the class having four major questions:
1. Is it wrong to prep jello shots for the ride to the hospital? (Answer: probably - I didn't have the balls to actually ask that one - I used my own judgement.)
2. What can they give me to "take the edge off" once we get to the hospital? (Answer: Fentanyl. It's great.)
3. How long until I can get an epidural and how long does it last? (Answer: Whenever I think I've had enough labor pain. Hours and hours of numbness at the touch of a doctor's finger.)
4. What can they give me after the epidural. (Answer: The good stuff and lots of it.)
The other couples looked just like us.... the women were "Oh so done with being pregnant" and the guys were "Oh what did we get ourselves into?"
We covered the basics and asked questions, got our free tote bag and went on our merry way. We finished in 2.5 hours - perfect! And here's the top four things I took away:
1. 10cm is f*^%ing huge! Like, big enough to drive a toy train through. I still think the nurse whipped out that topography map of the cervix just to freak us out.
2. The frowny face on the poster depicting "active labor" does NO justice to the fatigue, anger, pain, sweat and tears shown on your real-life face.
3. The body's reaction to prostaglandin may or may not induce labor naturally and does not include oral consumption. Enough said.
4. Bring snacks. Apparently popsicles, soup and tea don't squash the appetite of a post-partum mom. Perfect - 'cause I already carry granola bars and juice in my purse!
And, although I learned this well before the actual class, I will say one of the most important pieces of advice came from my friend Amy: Don't forget the carseat-carry-thing. They won't let you take baby home without it. What, are the days of papooses and walking home gone? That's weird. I was thinking a 10 mile trek post baby was sounding pretty good....

1 comment:

  1. Yes, do bring or have someone lined up to bring you good food, hospital food is no good and you will be hungry! And honestly if you get a good epidural it wont be that bad, at least you wont remember it being that bad afterwards. Just make sure they dont break your water before you get the epidural, its a bad idea just trust me.