Thursday, August 20, 2009

Are You Sure We Don't Need a License For This?

So, we had our tour of the Child Birth Center last night. The facilities are fantastic and the nurses seem really great, so I'm sure things will go off without a hitch. It was a brief information session with the L&D nurse, some question and answer time and then a quick walk through of the birthing suites and the post-partum recovery rooms.

It's just the question and answer thing I'm so caught up on. I understand we were all first time moms in the class, but COME ON people, have you NO idea what you were getting into? Have you not read ONE bit of advice on becoming a parent or what its like to even BE pregnant? Can you NOT reason logically? What WERE you thinking? And, where are the people who obviously should be giving out the permits for this whole baby-having thing?

Example #1: In the whole "what to expect" section of things, the nurse explained that "in the first hour post-delivery a nurse will be around 4 times that hour to massage your uterus. You can do it yourself as well as this will help it return to its normal size quicker." Horrified, one lady raised her hand and asked, "When you say 'massaging the uterus' you mean from the outside, right?"

What do you say to something like that? The outside? Really? 'Cause you seriously think after pushing something the size of a full grown Shih-Tzu out your va-jay-jay they're really going to have the audacity to ram their hand back up in there to see if you're hemorrhaging? Really? Really? And just how would they see if you were hemorrhaging with their fricking hand up there? Yes, you massage it from the outside.

Example #2: The nurse, explaining why not to buy a nursing bra yet since you don't know what size you'll be and your milk won't come in for 2-3 days fields this question: "When they take the baby away do they feed it? I mean, aren't they hungry? And, if your milk isn't here for 2-3 days what do they eat?" So, SO, so many things wrong with that statement.
First of all - were exactly are "they" taking it to? And why are "they" taking it away? We had just covered the fact that the newborns room in with you. They don't ever take them "away." That's the whole point of having a private birthing suite - they stay with you. Were you even paying attention to this lady's spiel about the hospital? Geez. And, moreover, where have you been the last 9 months when the doctors, the books, your friends, your mother - even complete complete strangers explain to you the idea of colostrum and how it nourishes the baby in the first few days until your milk comes in? What about the idea that it may already be leaking out?
This lady's about to pop and has no idea what the baby eats.

Example #3: During the discussion about what to expect when laboring the nurse points out "this isn't going to be some romantic, candle-lit event - this is labor!" the granola, hippy, all I wear is velour dresses and carry hobo bags lady stops her to say, "But, as part of our birth plan we wanted the lights dim and have scented candles burning." The nurse then had to explain to her how each and every room in the hospital is equipped with an oxygen tank and how that is somewhat incompatible with her "birth plan" or anyone else's idea of having a frickin' open flame in their room. Bring an oil warmer or something, 'cause you're going to have a whole hella lotta people rushing in there to snuff out your candles while you're jacked up in the stirrups. This is the same lady who asked if it was illegal to bring gifts to your nurse. Like bribery? Thoughtful, but yes, illegal. Is she going to be so terrible that she's already thinking about bribing her L&D nurse? Christ.

But, then, how would we know if we didn't ask? Secretly I wanted to ask if Griz (our dog) could come visit me in the recovery room, but seriously, I kinda know deep down the answer would be no and I don't want to end up on someone else's blog about some idiot asking whether or not their dog could be in the labor room.

People have been doing this baby-having thing for thousands of years now. I'm assuming it'll go just fine. Those other ladies are in for a big surprise though. Bummer.

1 comment:

  1. Laughing. Hysterically. Seriously, questions like "do they massage it from the outside?" are the types of things that will only get you snickered about at the nurse's station. Hilarious.