Monday, March 29, 2010

The Booger Monster.

Seriously, now, let's talk a little booger talk. (Those squeemish or otherwise adverse to bodily function talk, exit stage left.)

Booger monster? Booger fairy? Booger maker?

 I'd like to think that my child is not a freak of nature in the fact that he produces some of the hugest, monsterous, sticky, nasty boogers on this planet. I have read and re-read the "Your Baby's First Year" book, scanned the appendix, looked it up in the index and (sadly) spent some time researching it on the internet. And nothing. Nothing about the big boogies. Am I the only person to have experienced such enormous boogers produced by such a tiny baby? I mean, really, I'm kinda worried he'll pass away in his sleep due to his airway being so constricted due to aforementioned blockages?! (Not that I should consider he can also breathe from his mouth, right?) These monsters appear nearly daily and require quite the extraction procedure, let me tell you. Because, really, who wants to see a booger-infested infant? Let alone hold one. I'm not talking runny nose here...I'm talking full-on boogers.

 Now, those who know me well, know that I am a picker. And by that I mean scabs, nails, boogers, the skin around my nails, black heads, pimples, bites, bumps and anything that looks suspicious that might pop up on one's back. Or anywhere else for that matter. I know. TMI. (Too much information). I was probably the only teenager known to mankind who was excited when they got a zit. I, of course, always suffered the consequences of picking - red, blotchy face and a scab that took forever to heal (due to more picking, no doubt.) I have been and probably always will be a picker. Not that I've seen any postings for PA meetings. (Pickers anonymous). Don't judge. And these days I don't (according to my standards) produce a lot of things that need picking. So, now that we've got that out of the way...

  I feel as though it is my parental responsibilty to remove the boogers from Colt's nose. Although, yes, his fingers are appropriately sized for the job and mine are a little more, uh, robust, ...I just can't seem to stop myself. Plus, he doesn't even know how to do it himself. When my nails are long it really isn't hard at all. The problem arises when they're bitten back (we already discussed my picking problem) and the nail just won't reach. I won't terrify you all with tales of me going at him with the tweezers. I've stopped that routine altogether in fear of gouging his miniscule brain with the tweezies. Anyway, he's totally on to my nose-picking attempts. He outwardly objects, shakes his head around and if he could walk, he'd probably long have run away. do we stop them from growing? Where are they coming from? It's not like he's exposed to a bunch of dust, dirt or any other booger-making matter. I'm at wits end.

  So, the fact is that I'm afraid to use the tweezers, I won't do it while he's sleeping (who wants to wake up screaming with your mom's finger driven 1/2 way up your nose? about a serious therapy bill in your 30's.) and he's too on to me to do it when he's awake. My real concern, however, is that I'm going to make his nostrils huge. The simple mechanics of the operation are obvious: he is small and I am not. His tiny nose is no match for the diameter of my fingers.

  I shall sit back and reflect on this now: Does my compulsive need to constantly clear his nostrils of accumulating boogers out weigh his need to be left alone and develop normal-sized nostrils? Should I stop worrying he'll lapse into unconciousness due to lack of oxygen? ...And the resounding yes I hear you all laughing is enough. His nostrils will develop to the size they should, given there is already not too much damage done.

  I will still get the ones that hang out though. That you can be sure of.


  1. I, too, am a picker who can not stand the sight of my child with boogers hanging out her nose...and I'm not above going in for a big one even if she's sleeping. And her nostrils have developed in to the normal size they are meant to be, in spite of her mother's huge fingers. So, no worries! ;-)

  2. My sister has a pair of long nosed spring-grip pliers in her desk drawer that she bought for rekeying locks, but we all knew it was to aid in the removal of giant boogers from the boys' noses.

    A helpful hint, so you don't have to shove your finger all the way up there, is to just get the very edge of it, and roll it down and out. Mason has since early infancy produced the biggest boogers I've ever seen, so I completely understand.